in october of 2011 chad and i found out we were pregnant for the first time. this happened 1 day before we were ready to leave for a trip down to the smokey mountains. what a way to celebrate, right? a perfect little cabin all to ourselves and plenty of time to take in the news. after we returned from our trip i scheduled a doctors appointment. blood work for that day showed that my HCG levels were not quite where they should be, so we scheduled a sonogram. the day of the sonogram was hell. no heartbeat. nothing there, but a what looked like an empty gestational sac. went home only to have horrible cramping the rest of the day. then the bleeding started. back into the doctor for more blood work. HCG levels have risen but not by much. bled some more and some more, had awful debilitating cramps, and finally passed a gob of material from my uterus. back to the doctors, more blood work, and another scheduled sonogram. chad went with me to the sonogram, the tech did her thing, measured my uterus, my ovaries, and found no sign of a gestational sac. i miscarried? devastated. the tech asked us to stay to talk to the doctor. we waited. she came in the room and informed us that i had an ectopic pregnancy and explained my options. so did i miscarry too? confused. but it didn't matter because now i needed to schedule an emergency surgery for november 11th. the surgery went good, they had to remove my entire right fallopian tube. feeling completely defeated and lost, we moved on. went back to work a few weeks later. chad and i decided that we would try this again, but wanted to wait a good 6 months or so.
going from extreme happiness to extreme depression in such a short time was scary. i didn't want to see or talk to anyone. my family and one close friend were the only people that i wanted around me. i gained weight, i didn't enjoy the holidays as i usually do, and i didn't leave the house unless it was to go to work.
come january i was determined to get out of this hole i buried myself in. i scheduled a dinner date with a good friend. having a bottle of wine while talking to her over yummy food for 4 hours was a good start. a few weeks later, now february, a group of friends planned a trip up to dave and busters to celebrate a birthday. chad and i were excited to go, however as i was starting to get ready, i started to feel anxious and panicky. i felt uncomfortable in my clothes, and my body felt bloated and horrendous. i had a meltdown on the bathroom floor and told chad to go without me. i didn't want to be around anyone once again. he left. i got back into my sweats and a t-shirt, sat on the couch, and tried to calm down. what the crap is wrong with me?!!? i realized my period was late. the only pregnancy test i had in my house was an expired one that a friend gave me several months ago. i decided to just take it anyway. i figured i could go get another one in the morning if it didn't work. i took it, it was POSITIVE. i cried. and cried some more. how did this happen so quickly? we weren't expecting this at all. i wanted chad to get home asap. finally by 1 am he showed up. i told him. he was skeptical since it was an expired test. i apologized for my meltdown. we went to bed. the next morning i took another test. positive. i wasn't going to get my hopes up again until i saw an actual heartbeat. i scheduled another doctors appointment and a sonogram. i was terrified for the sonogram, i didn't want to go through another miscarry or ectopic pregnancy. i prayed, i prayed a lot. i made a decision years ago that i would leave my path up to God, and if having a child wasn't part of my path i would be okay. there's always adoption. i would find a way to be at peace.
the tech started the sonogram and when we saw that heartbeat for the first time, my life changed instantly. God was there with us, and i felt the love that i needed to feel to know that this was it, we were really having a baby this time. the little pea, only 6 weeks old, had a healthy strong heartbeat. amazing.
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